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I cannot believe it, Lola is one today – how quickly did that year go! I’ve decided that rather than write a post about the year, I will just post a letter that I have written to Lola, that maybe one day she will look back on and read.
So, as you may have noticed I have changed the title of my blog. This is because I am no longer going to be a Dad and that I am now a Dad. I’ve been a Dad for just over 6 months, and I think it’s finally sunk in – just about.
So much happens in the first 6 months, that it’s hard to keep track. So many things have changed in my life, and so many things have changed in the partnership of Lara and I. We are now a partnership that not only looks out for one and other, but also a partnership that has to look after the most precious thing in the world, our little girl. It’s not easy, far from it in fact. You have times when you disagree or just snap at each other because your tired. But it is because of these moments, that our relationship grows even stronger. We learn to tolerate a lot more, we learn how to work together in this new family structure. Sometimes I get it wrong, sometime Lara gets it wrong, and sometimes we both get it wrong – but that’s all part of this magnificent journey we are on. Some things we just won’t know, because nobody can tell you what is going to happen, and you just have to go with your instincts. It’s funny how your instincts change when you become a parent.
I’ve gone through so many emotions in the last 6 months, that it feels like I’m on a really long roller coaster. But one thing that I can guarantee, is no matter how hard it seems sometimes, and no matter how tired and stressed I am, seeing Lola smiling at me from across the room makes me the happiest I have ever been. When I feel so exhausted I think I may pass out, I just look at her little, innocent face and remember that everything I am doing, is for her. The stresses of raising a child, financially, mentally and physically can get almost too much at times, but the one thing we always remember, is that it’s all for the good of our little family, and that it will all get better.
I wish Lola could understand words sometimes, just so that she could understand just how amazing she is, and just how much she is loved by so many people. Some times I go in to her room while she is asleep, and talk to her, and tell how much I love her and promise her that I will always be there with her no matter what, and will always protect her and look after her the best that I can. For some reason, I think she’ll take it in when she is asleep – which I know is just silly! But maybe she does hear it, and maybe she will remember when she’s older, how Daddy would always come in and wake her up with all that talking!
Lola is like a proper little person now, sitting for as long as she wants, even sitting up on her own in the bath – makes me so proud! She smiles and laughs all day, she plays with her toys and seems to have a rather strange fascination for mugs! She is so happy, so crazy and has so much love to give, I couldn’t be a prouder Dad! She fits in to our family perfectly!
As you should all know by now, I AM A DAD! I am the happiest, proudest, luckiest Dad and Husband in the whole world!
Both my girls did absolutely amazing during the birth, they were fantastic. Lara had a tough time of it, but she did so, so well – she is and forever will be my hero. I hated seeing my Lara go through the pain she had to go through, but she knew, as we all did, that the final result she was working towards was worth anything in the world. I would have done anything to take away any of her pain during those 21 hours, but to be quite honest, I don’t think I could have done it! I have a completely new respect for all Mothers now, they are superhuman!
Lola had quite a rough first week. She swallowed a lot of meconium during the labour and had to be delivered by emergency cesarean, she was also very much engaged, which meant she had to be pushed back up, so that they could get her out safely. Thats quite a lot for someone to take in when they are only minutes old, and this meant that she was taken away from us within hours of being born and taken to the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU), this was extremely hard for Lara as she had only really been able to hold Lola for 5 minutes, so it was pretty distressing for all of us involved.
They took a blood test from Lola not long after she was born and the results showed that she only had a 73% oxygen level in her blood, and they are ideally looking for between 92-100%, the higher the better. To help counter this she was quickly put in to an incubator to give her extra oxygen and was hooked up to all sorts of machines to monitor her heartbeat, her oxygen levels and various other things – I can’t be quite sure what they all were as it was quite a lot to take in.
They were also concerned she may have an infection after swallowing all the meconium (which later proved to be the case) and so they instantly put her on a 5 day dose of antibiotics, which was later increased to 7 days so they could flush out the infection.
This was all so much to take in, and obviously the doctors main concern at this point is the baby, so they never stop for too long to explain too much to you, so you are being given all these numbers and words you dont really understand and told it will all be ok. But it was one of the scariest times of my life, so many things going through my head! This is where our incredible family and friends came to our rescue, we could not have done it without them. I will never be able to thank them enough for all the support they have given the 3 of us this last week.
Not long after being in the incubator and getting the extra oxygen, Lola had improved a lot, her breathing was a lot calmer and she was able to finally get some sleep and relax a little. It was so tough seeing her with all the tubes coming off her and having her stuck in the plastic box that was now her home, but you just have to keep telling yourself, she will be ok, and that they are doing the best things for her. Which they were, the care she received was amazing, the nurses did an amazing job.
Obviously as Lara had had major surgery she was stuck in the hospital for a few days herself and for the first 24 hours couldn’t even leave her bed to see Lola, this left me with the horrible, heart-wrenching decision to leave my little, precious baby Lola and go and sit with her Mom, to help her and to keep her updated with news about Lola as best I could. I spent most of the next 15-16 hours going up and down between Lara and Lola, as I never wanted to leave either of them alone for too long.
Every time I went down to see Lola, I had to fight to hold myself together and was wiping away a fair amount of tears. This was not how I had imagined she would be introduced to the world, it was not fair at all.
Once Lara was able to get up and walk, she was straight down to see Lola, and seeing the two of them together was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. It made me feel so much better knowing they were able to cuddle each other, and that Lara could come down and see her little girl at any time, even after I had gone home at night. Lola improved so much after having the contact with her Mom and finally breast-feeding. You could visibly see her improve every time Lara held her – it was an amazing thing to watch.
As the week went on, I had to set myself mental goals in my head, to help get me through. I was focussing on getting Lara fit enough to leave, to see Lola move to the next room, closer to the end of the ward, which means you are closer to leaving. Willing and praying that the next tube will be removed, that she will no longer need monitoring 24/7 etc. And these things happened, slowly but surely she got better and better, and now, she is fully fit and at home with us, where she belongs.
The last week has seemed like a year to me, and although I know, compared to others we’ve had very good birth and are extremely lucky, while you are going through what we went through, your only thought is yourself and your family, and some of the things that happened took me very close to the peak of my emotions, and at times I wasn’t sure if I could keep it going without just breaking down. But you have to be strong, because Lola needs us to be strong. Also, knowing that Lara had been through so much worse than me, meant that I was in no position to be complaining, I had to support her. At times I would rant, usually to my parents. I would cry, to my parents. I would swear and scream, to my parents. But these were things I had to do, away from the hospital, away from Lola, to get them out of my system, so that I could be as calm as possible around her.
My parents have been simply amazing this past week, I don’t know how to thank them enough, but that’s something I will try to explain and show them personally, over the next few months. Once I’ve caught up on sleep. I love them so very much!
Fatherhood is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, I just cannot believe how much I love Lola. I could just stare at her forever and more. I now understand all the things that people have said to me about how they feel about their children and I now have all those feelings. I know at times it will be tough, it will be frustrating, it will be sad, but one thing I can promise to my Lola is that no matter what, I will always be there for her, I will always be beside her holding her hand, I will always love her and I will always protect her as best I can. I will always hold her when she needs to be held, I will always be the best Dad I can be and hopefully I will be her best friend too.
I managed to get her in front of a camera earlier while her eyes were open, isn’t she beautiful!
I am going to try and update this blog as regularly as possible, as Lara’s family and friends are over in the US and so I want to help them get as many updates about Lola as possible. I also just want to continue sharing the amazing story of fatherhood!
Thank you all very much for your love and support, it means so much to all 3 of us!
P.S. Thanks for helping out OBGB!
It took me a while to get it, to work out exactly how I felt about waiting for our little baby, but I got it. I worked out what that feeling was. It was like waiting for that package to arrive in the post, the one you really really want to be on time, but deep down you know it won’t be, and you also know that you can’t really do anything about it, apart from get inpatient and frustrated. Thats how I feel! A little bit more extreme and excited, as the package is the most exciting package I have ever had the pleasure to be waiting for, but that is the closest thing I could think of – weird aren’t I?!
I know Little Lara isn’t late yet, but because I got myself prepared for her to be early, I kind of convinced myself she would be, so now I am getting inpatient. I know it’s my own fault, and I am not blaming the package or the ‘courier’.
My emotions have been pretty up and down this last week, I go from ridiculously excited and unable to concentrate, all the way through to all out fear, and pretty much every emotion you could imagine in-between those 2. The fear I’ve had, tucked away in the back of my head has not disappeared at any point through this journey, the fear of being a bad Dad scares the bejesus out of me. The standards have been set for me, as I have grown up around a lot of amazing Dads. My Dad, the man I would personally call the ultimate Dad. My Dads Dad, Grandpa, the guy who taught my Dad everything. My uncle Mike, who was my 2nd Dad and was as good to me as he was his own children. Obviously I know many more amazing Dads, but these are the 3 men i have learnt the most from, and the one thing I can link them all with is as well as being related to them, they have all been a great friend to me, someone I could turn to for help, advice, or just to have a bit of a joke with. Between them they have taught me to walk and talk, been my football coach, taught me how to play pool and table tennis, taught me to ride a bike, taught me to enjoy hiking up the Welsh hills in the pouring rain and high winds – and enjoying it! The list goes on and on, but the point is, I have no excuse to be a bad Dad, and for that very reason I am convinced that I will be fine. I have many memories to call on that I’m sure will help me out in various situations, and I know I am only a phone call away from some advice. And I expect to be making a few phone calls.
In Lara news, we thought we may well be spending the night in hospital last night. We thought we were about to meet our little girl. But, it was not to be. I think it was just her bodies reaction to the busy day that it had just been put through. A whole days christmas shopping proved to be a little bit too much for a heavily pregnant lady – who would have thought?!
We even had my Mum on standby, ready to come over and to start the preparations to get us to the hospital, but it all proved to be a false alarm. At least now I will know how it will kind of feel, when it does happen. I just hope my hand recovers in time, because it got well and truly squeezed last night!
Here are a couple of photos of bump:
10 weeks and counting! WOW! Obviously that is if she is bang on time, which if you ask her Grandparents and her own Mom, is not going to be the case, she is going to be early. We’ll see…
I had a huge rush of fear this week… ‘What if we’re not ready?!’. Now that we are getting so close, I’m starting to panic that we wont have everything ready for her if she’s early. What if we don’t have enough blankets? Enough sheets? Enough clothes? Enough nappys (diapers)? But I guess that it was shops are for. It is a scary thought though, I want to be the best Dad I can be, and that starts by making sure I’m ready.
We’ve pretty much got all the essentials now, all the things she will definitely need from day dot, but still have a few more things to sort out. After that it’ll be things ready for when she is a little bit older, or a few treats for her and us.
I found myself day dreaming quite a lot this week, just staring at Lara’s bump, various things came in to my head, but one thought that kind of made me sad, was that I won’t have the initial bond with Little Lara that Big Lara will have. I’ve read about it in lots of books, forums and magazines, but I didn’t ever think it would be a problem for me. I don’t think it will be a huge problem for me, but it was the first time I had thought about. Lara will have had this baby inside her for 9 months, they will have bonded all that time, and I will be meeting her for the first time, and will have to build up my relationship alongside the bond they have already. It sounds pretty selfish when I write it down, but it’s difficult to explain. I guess in a way, it is jealousy. I’m not jealous of all the pain, awkwardness etc Lara has had, but I guess I’m jealous of the bond they have created. Even more reason for me to get everything ready for when she is born.
She has been kicking away in there this week, Lara even held her foot while she was at work, and had to move it out of the way as it was getting so uncomfortable. It is so crazy to think she is almost a fully grown baby now. I love it.
I can’t wait to meet her, and I cannot wait to be a Dad to her and guide her through her own journey. Exciting times ahead!
Today is exactly 3 months until Little Lara is due. 3 months was how long she had been inside the bump before we told people. Going by my memory that didn’t seem like a very long time at all. This all means, that I will soon be a Dad! Woohoo!
Little Lara is really moving now, and she is kicking her Mom a lot. This morning, we were at my parents house, and I had my hands resting on the bump, and she was kicking so hard, it was almost as though she was trying to kick her way out of there. Strangely enough, she got very shy when my Mum (Nana) tried to feel the kicking. Maybe Nana helps calm her down, or maybe she was just playing hide and seek?
MY cousin and his girlfriend came down from Manchester this weekend, and they are due to have a little girl in just 6 weeks, so she is a little bit bigger than Lara, but it was good for them to get together and discuss how pregnancy is treating them both. It was so strange to be at a family meal, and have 2 expectant mothers – it was a new experience for us all, and a very good one too!
My uncle, who cannot wait to be a Grandad, got us the most amazing outfit for Little Lara. It is the cutest thing, and so smart. I think we’ve decided that this outfit will be her going home outfit, because it’s so small and so cute. It’s a set of trousers, a top, a jacket and a little hat to keep her head warm. I love it!
Little Lara has got so many clothes now, not just that we have got her, but everyone is so generous. I’ve accepted now that the presents I get from now on, will be baby related, but that’s ok – I like it!
We really need to start getting the rest of the stuff together, and stop buying clothes, because apparently babies need a lot more than just clothes. We have a list set up with Mothercare, so if anyone wants to know what to get our little girl, check it out here.
For my birthday, Lara got me a Flip video camera, so that I can easily capture videos of our little girl once she is born, it’s perfect because it’s nice and small and easy to use, and I can upload videos straight to the internet, so everyone can see them quickly and easily. I’ve been practicing with it, by getting Lara to do her own personal update for you all to see. Here she is in all her bumpy glory!
My YouTube channel is here, so keep checking it, as I may not link to all the videos we put up, from the blog.
First off, here is a picture update of the bump, this picture doesn’t really show quite how big the bump has got, but here it is anyway:
Lara saw her doctor this week, for a general check up of all things ‘Little Lara’ related, and her doctor couldn’t believe how big she was. Not because the baby is big, but just that the bump was so big compared to the size of Lara. The doctor also said that all Lara’s levels etc were normal and that everything was average and boring – which is good!
Little Lara also got her first pair of shoes, bought for her by our friend Becca, who is ridiculously excited about us having a baby, and that it is a girl, she says she is going to go shoe crazy, so Little Lara should be fine on the shoe front. They shoes are so cute, as you will see from the picture below – Little Lara is spoilt already!
We will be taking Little Lara on her first holiday this week, we are going camping down in the New Forest with our friends Tom and Becca (crazy shoe lady Becca). I cannot wait, as this will be my first break from work since I started my job, and will probably be our last time away before the baby is born. We’re only going away for the weekend, but I’m sure that will be long enough, I can’t imagine sleeping in a tent on a blow up bed with a big bump will be that comfortable for Lara, but we shall see.
A quick update on the kicking, she is really going for it now – Lara feels her kicking or moving about most of the time now, and little Lara has even decided she wants to kick for Daddy now, at last. It is just an incredible feeling, and if it wasn’t frowned upon, I would recommend you all find the closest pregnant lady and feel her bump and wait for the kick – it’s just amazing.
We both cannot wait to meet our little girl now, we already feel like we know her, and we haven’t even met her yet. I try to talk and sing to her as much as I can, so that she’ll get used to my voice and can recognise me from when she is born. Lara even had a dream about her this week, and she said that she was absolutely beautiful – well obviously she is, have you seen her Dad?!
Only 17 weeks to go, that is crazy! We are well and truly past half way now, and I for one, cannot wait to meet little Lara.
I’ve spent most of my free time this week, with my hand on Lara’s bump, waiting for our little girl to give me a whack, but it seems as though our little girl will only kick when and where she wants too, and will not be pushed, prodded, asked or even told when to kick. I sit there in the evenings waiting, asking her to give me a little kick, sometimes Lara even gives her a little prod – but nothing, she refuses to play ball! Until last night, she decided she has had enough of the nagging and gave me a good few kicks! Thats my girl!
It wouldn’t bother me that much, if it wasn’t for the fact that my Mum, Nana, put her hands on the bump on Wednesday night, for the first time, and within 2 minutes Little Lara did the biggest backflip (or front-flip, we can’t quite be sure) she’s done yet, it was so big it scared Lara and she gave out a big scream. That is so typical, kids love showing off for their grandparents.
Sleeping has changed a lot recently, not just because it’s probably extremely uncomfortable for Lara and she always has to go to the toilet. But if you came in to our bedroom, you would think that we already have one kid and that they like to build forts. Lara is now the pillow Queen. She has a couple for her head, one between her legs and now one to support the bump. It doesn’t sound like that many does it? But you would think it was a lot when you wake up every morning clinging on to the side of the bed, because the pillows have taken over. I’m not complaining, I want Lara to be as comfortable as possible, but I will draw the line the morning I wake up on the floor!
…it’s a little baby girl!
I will be the father to a gorgeous little girl, my very own little girl! How awesome and exciting is that?! Here are a few pictures of my little girl:
Isn’t she stunning?!
So, we had the scan this week (Thursday) and my Mum and Dad came along with us, but unfortunately the hospital have a policy that will only allow 2 extra people in to the scan, which meant that only one of my parents could come in. My Mum let my Dad come in with us, as she had already been to the first scan, and she wanted to let my Dad meet ‘Little Lara’ too (we have a name for her, but aren’t going to be telling anyone, so my Dad his christened her Little Lara for now). It was absolutely incredible! The detail you can see on the scan is just amazing, the above pictures really do not do it justice. You could see her eye’s, her skull, her spine, her heart, her stomach and bladder, her little legs and arms, her feet and we even saw her rubbing her little face at one point. I’m pretty sure I fell in love there and then!
Dad was trying his hardest to hold back tears for the duration of the scan, but wasn’t very successful. I’ve got a funny feeling our little girl will be able to wrap grumps around her finger when she’s old enough too. He’s just a big softy really!
As well as being told that we were to be having a little girl, they also told us that she was completely average, which was the best news we could have received. She has everything she should have and in all the right places and is average size, which is exactly what we want.
She’s really been kicking and moving away in her Mums stomach this week, Lara keeps sending me messages or emails telling me what she’s up too. IT’s great. In fact we went to the theatre last night to see Ghost Stories, which has a lot of loud noises and screaming audience members, and apparently she was kicking a lot during that, but who blames her, she was probably wondering what on earth was going on!
We’ve ordered ‘Little Lara’s’ cot this week, it should be arriving next weekend, and people have already started buying her lots of clothes, I think she is going to be a very spoiled little baby! We’ve set up a gift list here, so that people can get her the stuff that she needs and we don’t get duplicates etc.
So 60% of people were right, when guessing that we were going to be having a girl, so well done. I’ve updated the poll now, so please vote again, when will Lara give birth to Little Lara?
In just under a month we should (hopefully) know whether we will be having a boy or a girl, and I cannot wait! I just want to know! I want to get myself ready to be the overprotective Dad to my little girl, or to be the football coach to my little boy. Either way I’ll be more than happy, but I just want to know. I think my mother-in-law put it best when she said ‘If it’s a boy or a girl, it’s what you always wanted’. And I think that’s about right, whether I’m told it’s a boy or a girl, it’ll be perfect.
Lara’s back is still giving her problems, some days it seems to get better, but then the next it’ll be worse than normal. It’s really frustrating for her, but I think it’s just going to be one of those things she’ll have for the whole pregnancy.
She’s also been getting pains in the muscles on her stomach, which she has been describing as growing pains, which kind of makes sense when you think that the baby is half way through doubling in size over a 3 week period – crazy! Grow baby grow!!
Something I’ve noticed about being the man in this whole thing, is that people don’t seem to ask how your feeling. Not everyone, but most people. Now I know Lara is going through a hell of a lot more than me, and it is obviously way more important that she’s ok. But what I mean is people seem to think it’s a 1 person thing, but us guys go through it too, after all we are the ones who have to deal with the mood swings, and they are intense! I just mean that, people seem to forget about the mental side of it, and how we’re dealing with that. They all ask Lara how she is feeling, as in how is the bump, but nobody seems to want to know about how I’m feeling about coming a Dad.
It doesn’t really bother me that much, as i’m pretty sure I’ve never thought too much about how the man is feeling when his partner is expecting. I guess I just don’t want to get left out, and I want people to know that I am involved.
P.S. Baby is now the size of a Turnip… cute
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