(Week 6) So many feelings

That was one of the longest weeks I’ve had in a long time. I don’t think having the 4 day weekend helped, but the pregnancy definitely hit home for me this week. It’s been a week of extreme mixed emotions, I’ve been excited, scared, confused, happy and everything in between. For my wife and I, this week has really brought the pregnancy home, mainly because she is now starting to show a lot more symptoms, instead of just that blue faded cross from last week.

My wife has really struggled this week, her cervix has dropped really low, and is extremely uncomfortable for her, and very scary too. It’s so difficult being the bloke at this point because you just don’t know how to help. You can read as many books and Internet pages as you want, but absolutely nothing can prepare you for this. How can you reassure someone about something you have no clue about. I searched and searched for as much information about the feelings my wife was having, and everything comes back so mixed. It was all positive, nothing made me worry at all, but the problems she is having seem to come at different times for different women in a whole mix of severity. So then you try and reassure her with this information, but the information just isn’t very helpful to this poor woman who is lying on the sofa scared her insides are going to drop out.

My Mum has been a huge help this week, as she works at a doctors surgery, she has been able to speak to doctors and try to get as much information as she can, to help my wife feel better. She is also an extremely reassuring person, and has helped my wife to focus and work out the best way to tackle the problems she is suffering. I have no idea how my Dad felt about having to listen to conversations about his daughter-in-laws cervix while he is trying to watch a film. I don’t think it was quite what he had planned for his Monday night, but I have a feeling he may have to get used to such conversations.

As well as the problem with the cervix, my wife has been extremely tired this week, and has been napping when and where she can. So I find myself relegated to the spare room, while she takes over the sofa for a well deserved break. I’m happy to take this relegation, as I’m not the one carrying and nurturing our little fetus.

I’ve found myself getting even more protective of my wife this week, it’s really strange. I don’t want her to do anything, I’m even scared of her going off to work. I know this is crazy, but the stat of 1 in 5 pregnancy’s in the first 12 weeks miscarrying, scares the hell out of me, and I want to make sure I can do anything in my power to make sure we aren’t one of the people that have to suffer than unimaginable pain. The trouble is, I am virtually powerless. Other than supporting and allowing my wife to rest, I feel pretty much helpless. It’s not a nice feeling to have, because I want to be as involved as I can be, but I know that my role is very much from the outside, compared to the role my wife has. That said, seeing the changes she is going through, I do not envy her at all. I’m so proud of the way she is coping with all of this, because it must be so scary for her to know that she has a little fetus/baby/thing growing inside her. She’s being amazing, as I knew she would be.

On a more selfish note, this week I have found myself day dreaming a lot, not just about what the baby will be like, and what sort of parents we’ll be. But just about my past, and the things that I won’t be able to do again, things that will never be the same. Not in a sad way, because I’ve had a fantastic life so far, and done amazing things. But it’s difficult not to look back and think ‘That was awesome, I’d love to do that again’ but knowing that you never will. Even things like popping to the pub with friends for a few drinks. Won’t be doing that again. But then at the same time, I know I will do all those things again, at some stage. Things will just be different, and I’m ready for them to be different. If I can have my own family, I would give up almost anything for that.

When we went over to my Mum and Dads at the weekend, I was sitting in the lounge, in the house that I grew up in, and I think that’s when it really hit me. It’s amazing, I’m going to be a Dad! Not that long ago I was the child playing in this house, in this garden, and soon it will be my child doing that, and no doubt with some of the toys I played with too! I then noticed a picture hanging above the fireplace, it was a picture of my Mum and Dad, me and my wife and my brother and his girlfriend. It was taken on a holiday a couple of years ago in France, an amazing holiday, and it made me all excited, because soon I knew those family pictures, would include a little baby, my little baby. I could picture every one of us in that photo being the one holding him too, and I just couldn’t wait to meet my little baby, and for him/her to meet his/her family.

I know it’s a very long adventure, but this last week has been pretty intense, and I really feel the adventure is starting to begin now. WOW!